This Is Not An Award
And You Should Call The Cops
This is totally not an award. The person who claimed this award is completely fucking insane and tried to hold us hostage yesterday with a stapler. When Franco from the copy room told him that a stapler was not considered a threat, he started beating Franco over the head with the stapler until he was a crumpled, bleeding heap on the floor. Then, he started making lewd gestures towards the secretary, Katherine. Nobody could quite figure out whether his intent was to make an offer of sexual services or whether it was something else, because honestly, he made some incredibly strange motions that nobody who had even a passing familiarity with the sexual act could possibly conceive of.
The hostage situation, if you could call it that, lasted for over three and a half hours. During that time, nobody had access to the telephone- not because he had severed the lines like an actual criminal, but because he urinated in the receiver. As one by one the employees began to crack, he would call them a girl, move behind them, and make thrusting motions with his pelvis. This lewdness combined with fear and confusion caused the head accountant, Janet, to suddenly have an asthmatic reaction. The idiot with the stapler paid her no mind until she reached for her inhaler, which he ripped from her hands and started using, repeatedly, while making offhand remarks that using up the whole inhaler would "get him high".
Never have I seen such disregard for one's fellow man. It is suggested that if you ever see this person, you should immediately contact local law enforcement, and then run. Do not pay attention to anything he says or does. Just run. For the good of all humanity, please run.